Depression/Anxiety
Today I am going to bring awareness I don't think a lot of people know about. Now this isn't to make anyone feel bad for me I am okay trust me but this is incase I can help anyone else going through the same thing.
I had a really great childhood with the best parents and brother a girl could ask for and for the most part I was a really happy childhood. At a young age though my mom started noticing I got scared to easily but not in horror movies or anything like that and it wasn't fear it was worry about everything. I worried about things kids my age shouldn't be even thinking about. As I got older it got worse followed by other things. I started loathing myself and became very dark, I wouldn't smile much I wouldn't laugh often and hardly ate. All I knew was that the pain was the worst thing I had ever felt. I fought telling anyone about it and kept it bottled up so tight I couldn't breath until it exploded.
Junior high was the worst and during ninth grade I hit an all time low. I began cutting just for a release and throwing up in order to lose weight it didn't work. My friends and family didn't know what was going on with me they were so worried. My mom had recently had back surgery and in the middle of the night one night I got a hold of her pills that she had just gotten off and took all of them the same time. I got scared instantly and spit them all out. The anger and hatred didn't stop and the cutting got a whole lot worse. This carried out until I was about Sixteen and I stopped for a while then I got overwhelmed with our living situation and the suicide attempts and cutting returned. I don't think I had ever felt pain the way I had then. It fluctuated for the next few years but never fully went away. After m boyfriend broke up with me I sunk so low. Heartbroken and lonely I took as many Gabapentin as I could. By the grace of God it didn't kill me but it scared me. I told my mom that I needed help that this was no longer under my control. I was sent to Provo Mountain it is basically a rehabilitation center. It was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do but one of the most rewarding. They taught me coping skills and started giving me meds. For a while they worked beautifully and I thought I had to turn a corner. Then my dad got sick and everything felt like it shattered and while my dad was healing I took a razorblade and slit my wrists. Not enough to kill me but I drew blood I know it was the whole situation but relapsing always makes you feel horrible. I soon decided to stop taking my meds because I was a walking zombie I didn't care if people needed me if I didn't want to do it I didn't do it. I had an explosive temper, I began using a lot more fowl language and decided I didn't want to be around people at all because all they do is hurt you except for a few good friends. I was also sleeping more then I was awake, I gained a lot of weight and became lazy, I stopped writing and reading. I couldn't take it anymore so I just stopped. I suddenly feel things I long forgot like to actually have a crush on a boy, to enjoy a book to laugh at something and really mean it, to care more about my parents needs. I am defiantly not out of the woods I still need to help my parents more I need to get out a lot more then I do I still have panic attacks sometimes. But I am no longer angry I can keep up a whole conversation with my parents and today I was more talkative then I had been in months.
The point of this is to tell you I suffer from depression and severe anxiety but hope is never lost. I am getting interested in things again I have started writing and reading again and I hung out with a friend a bit ago and we are planning to hang out again. So don't give up there is always someone there if not your family or friends there is a suicide hotline they don't judge they just want you to feel better. Don't be a shamed of depression or any other emotional disorder it's not your fault at all. I know I might get backlash for this but in a way it is no different then getting cancer no one asks for it and no one should blame you for it. All of you who are reading this I want you to know I love you and there is hope even if things seem bleak never be afraid to reach out for help I did and it saved my life.
This is the suicide hotline number for anyone who needs to talk and just know there is something special you have to share with the world. Sometimes it sucks but you need to burst through let the world know you are hear to stay!!! Stay strong my loves because life will get better and it isn't right to snuff out your light before it can shine. Email me if you ever need anything because I am here no matter what!!! I love you all so very much!!!!
I had a really great childhood with the best parents and brother a girl could ask for and for the most part I was a really happy childhood. At a young age though my mom started noticing I got scared to easily but not in horror movies or anything like that and it wasn't fear it was worry about everything. I worried about things kids my age shouldn't be even thinking about. As I got older it got worse followed by other things. I started loathing myself and became very dark, I wouldn't smile much I wouldn't laugh often and hardly ate. All I knew was that the pain was the worst thing I had ever felt. I fought telling anyone about it and kept it bottled up so tight I couldn't breath until it exploded.
Junior high was the worst and during ninth grade I hit an all time low. I began cutting just for a release and throwing up in order to lose weight it didn't work. My friends and family didn't know what was going on with me they were so worried. My mom had recently had back surgery and in the middle of the night one night I got a hold of her pills that she had just gotten off and took all of them the same time. I got scared instantly and spit them all out. The anger and hatred didn't stop and the cutting got a whole lot worse. This carried out until I was about Sixteen and I stopped for a while then I got overwhelmed with our living situation and the suicide attempts and cutting returned. I don't think I had ever felt pain the way I had then. It fluctuated for the next few years but never fully went away. After m boyfriend broke up with me I sunk so low. Heartbroken and lonely I took as many Gabapentin as I could. By the grace of God it didn't kill me but it scared me. I told my mom that I needed help that this was no longer under my control. I was sent to Provo Mountain it is basically a rehabilitation center. It was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do but one of the most rewarding. They taught me coping skills and started giving me meds. For a while they worked beautifully and I thought I had to turn a corner. Then my dad got sick and everything felt like it shattered and while my dad was healing I took a razorblade and slit my wrists. Not enough to kill me but I drew blood I know it was the whole situation but relapsing always makes you feel horrible. I soon decided to stop taking my meds because I was a walking zombie I didn't care if people needed me if I didn't want to do it I didn't do it. I had an explosive temper, I began using a lot more fowl language and decided I didn't want to be around people at all because all they do is hurt you except for a few good friends. I was also sleeping more then I was awake, I gained a lot of weight and became lazy, I stopped writing and reading. I couldn't take it anymore so I just stopped. I suddenly feel things I long forgot like to actually have a crush on a boy, to enjoy a book to laugh at something and really mean it, to care more about my parents needs. I am defiantly not out of the woods I still need to help my parents more I need to get out a lot more then I do I still have panic attacks sometimes. But I am no longer angry I can keep up a whole conversation with my parents and today I was more talkative then I had been in months.
The point of this is to tell you I suffer from depression and severe anxiety but hope is never lost. I am getting interested in things again I have started writing and reading again and I hung out with a friend a bit ago and we are planning to hang out again. So don't give up there is always someone there if not your family or friends there is a suicide hotline they don't judge they just want you to feel better. Don't be a shamed of depression or any other emotional disorder it's not your fault at all. I know I might get backlash for this but in a way it is no different then getting cancer no one asks for it and no one should blame you for it. All of you who are reading this I want you to know I love you and there is hope even if things seem bleak never be afraid to reach out for help I did and it saved my life.
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